#133 On expectation, anticipation and regret

One year ago, I was the fittest and fastest I have ever been. Race day couldn't come soon enough and the flat and fast Chicago Marathon course made promises of a new and impressive personal best.

My training had gone precisely to plan. In the 12 weeks leading up to race day, I had run over 1,800K averaging over 150K a week including several big mileage weeks of 175+K. Four weeks out, I won the Milton Half-marathon in 1:13 flat which further suggested I was ready for a big result. Expectations were clearly established.

With two weeks to go, the taper presented some much needed time to rest and recover. It also presented time to reflect and assess, dream and aspire. How fast could I possibly go? Anticipation rose.

As race day approached, the excitement continued to grow. Race day finally came and greeted us with near ideal conditions. October 13th, 2013 was going to be a good day...

With nothing to lose and everything to gain, I lined up, the gun went off, and it began. I ran and raced through the streets of Chicago greeted and cheered by thousands of supporters. Early I felt good, later I felt great but then, as always, I just wanted it to be over... 

And then it was! 38,800 participants completed the marathon that day. I was but one of them.

I crossed the line in 2:34:13. A personal best of some two and a half minutes. First came relief, satisfaction followed, celebrations, albeit brief, then reflection. Finally, regret and remorse.

One year later, returning from injury, barely running and with no thought of racing, I am so far removed from that day. Here, now, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever run that fast again.

Looking back to the days, weeks and months that led to that moment, I wish I would have enjoyed the process more and emphasized the outcome less.

The day before the race is the greatest day of all. There is excitement and expectation. Nervousness and fear. There are goals, dreams and aspirations. There is no regret, no remorse, no reflection. Only anticipation of what might be.

#118 Be Better

Yesterday evening, around kilometer eleven of a 17K scheduled easy run along Toronto's MGT, battling a slight headwind, slippery surfaces, and the now all too familiar cold (-20 with the windchill), I found myself asking the always difficult and quintessential question of 'why'. Namely: "Why do I do this to myself?"

I tried to silence my increasing anxiety and agitation with simple and seemingly straightforward responses. I do it for my health. For my fitness. For my mood and mental well-being. For my sanity! I do it to get better. To be better. To run faster and further than I have before. I do it because I enjoy it... Or do I?

Distance running is an immensely demanding activity. It requires weeks, months and years of progressive training and preparation. It demands more and more mileage, harder workouts, and faster paces. Attention to diet, sleep, rest and recovery. Aches and pains, injuries and discomfort. It can be physically and mentally draining, not to mention the social (or lack there of) implications.

So why do I do it? Why do I put myself (and others) through this day after day, for weeks and months on end?! 

I still struggle to put forth a solid response to these questions. Some days I fail altogether to justify this crazy commitment and tell myself I want to quit. Obviously I don't. I won't. I can't!

When I did eventually finish my run and arrived at home, I instantly felt relieved. It was over, at least for now. I was satisfied with myself and the anxiety seemed to disappear completely. I then spent the evening watching the Olympics and hearing stories about the athletes (and their families, friends and communities) who give and sacrifice so much to realize their dreams. I envy them for getting to where they are. For getting the recognition and appreciation they most certainly deserve. I can't know for sure what it takes to be an Olympian and often I wonder what it is that they have, that I do not?

To be an Olympian, to be the best at a given sport or activity, an athlete requires a great deal of drive, devotion and determination. It requires the relentless pursuit of excellence and a constant commitment to the task. A skill set and mastery that is perfected over time through rigorous practice and endless energy.

But being an Olympian also involves a great deal of luck. It requires being in the right place at the right time. Born into the right family, with the right combination of genes/genetics. Raised in the right way. In the right location with the right access to facilities and opportunities. It requires having the right amount of support (especially financially). 

Sorry kids, but being the best is not simply just about wanting it or dreaming it. Anything is NOT possible; not always. It is infinitely more complicated than this.

Despite my daily dedication to self-improvement and a sincere desire to be the best I can be; I will never be an Olympic athlete. I will never represent my country or stand on a podium and hear my national anthem being played. Perhaps this is because I chose the wrong sport. Or was born in the wrong country to the wrong parents at the wrong time. Perhaps it's because I didn't start early enough or have the right amount of support... 

Ultimately it doesn't matter. Being THE best is not my goal or aim. Rather it is to be MY best!  To commit to being better. To being the best I can be. To spend the time and energy required. To test and push my limits and capabilities. This is why I run. Why I train. Why I compete.

I hope this post will inspire everyone to find purpose in their pursuits and a passion to be better. To commit to self-improvement in some way. Some might say that this is selfish. And it is! But by being better, by being our best, we inspire others to be better too. That is why I love (the idea of) the Olympics. The spirit of sport and the exhibition of excellence. 

#9(0)

I came across this random piece of writing I had done in a notebook (I love to take notes the old fashioned way) and which was dated early September. It’s rather amusing (to me) so I’ve chosen to transcribe it verbatim (including structure, format, grammar and spelling) and post it here. Please enjoy my entirely natural neuroticism and my continuing journey to sensational senility.

07.09.2012.

Random ramblings while riding the rails. Via rails. Despite failing to acquire that which I came for (Police check), I had a very nice day in Ingersoll, particularly spending time with Oma & Opa, who are the most humourous people I know. And certainly wise with a lifetimes worth of knowledge and understanding of this crazy world we live in.

As Opa points out, life is far too short to waste worrying about things we can’t control or the sad state of society, and should rather be spent enjoying the simplicities of life.

- like the chick next to me doing organic chemistry on her laptop

- I really need to re-nerdify myself and start refreshing my knowledge of biology, science and world capitals.

- I’m slightly bothered by my current reliance on running as the defining aspect of my identity. I have become far too one-dimensional and have let go of many of my past passions and interests. While I cannot merely ‘step away’ from running, I need to do more to broaden the scope of “how I am” both seen by myself as well as by others.

- I feel I have a healthy, if not mildly offensive, sense of humour which rejects our societies obsession with political correctedness. I enjoy finding the humour in all things especially myself. Bc let’s face it: I’m pretty damn hilarious.

- So you want to be a teacher huh? Seems like a pretty stupid idea considering the current job market. But that’s ok. I’m sure I’ll do fine. But how can I be so sure…

Why I’ll be successful as a high-school teacher. Bc like most of the students, I don’t give a shit. Ok, maybe that’s not true. I do give a shit. I sincerely want to make a difference, no matter how small and insignificant that might be. Looking back, I’d say it was a handful of HS teachers that have led me to where I am right now and in some way, wanting to emulate them. Ms Hunter. Mr Mol. Mr Boin. These teachers made a difference and that’s really all that matters. So I’ll put up with all the PC, EDSJ bullshit for 10 months, smile and nod, try not to offend anyone, and I’ll do what it takes to make myself as ‘marketable’ as possible and perhaps even get a job one day.

And while we’re being optimistic, how bout thinking about some life goals… the things I want to achieve before I die (of which I’ll decide when and how) [ Note to self – really need to brush up on my English language skills: grammar, spelling, word definitions, etc, etc] So ya, life goals: So one day I’ll be a high school teacher. I’ll be good at it, make some powerful friends and earn just enough to justify the major headaches of dealing w modern-day youth. Maybe I’ll even become principal one day. SKINNER!

I also have my running goals which in short… are to run fast. Like sub 2:30 fast. Maybe sub 2:20 (that’s really fast!)

I plan to live in the country and run a hobby farm with pigs, sheep, goats, a cow or two, plenty of ducks, a big dog (Bernese) and perhaps a donkey.

I’d love to live a fairly long life which will continue on as long as I’m healthy (ie independently functionable).

Ok, that’s enough journal writing for today.

It then continues on the next page…

If I died today. If I died right now. That would be okay. Not that I want it to happen. But it would be okay if it did. I don’t want to die. Not now, not for a very long time. But I guess it would be okay. I’ve had a good life. A great life even. It hasn’t been perfect (what is perfect), nothing is perfect. It’s been the life I’ve chose to live and for that I have few regrets. I don’t ‘believe’ in a “other side.” I’m not even sure I would want to if it existed. Bc if it did, what would be the point of being here now. I hope this is all there is. That way, I can/will be sure to make the most of it (most of the time). I’ve been here for 25 yrs. I still have many more to go. Let’s be sure to make them count. To make the most out of everything. Always.

#46: Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey

It's Monday and it's miserable out... so I'm going to write a blog post.

First up is a surprising find and suggestion. It's a blog called 'Not Born to Run' by a 40-something naturopathic doctor and obesity advocate named Dr. Jacqueline Jacques. In it, she eloquently describes her own introduction to running and best of all, she admits to not liking it very much. It's been so long that I now forget my own beginnings and immense struggles with running, but can assure you that they did not all go smoothly and that I was not a natural. No one is born to run! We can be raised and nurtured to run and some of us may even find we are good at it; but everyone must find that out for themselves, and that is a highly personal journey. My profound passion for running came after great costs of time and energy. Like anything valuable and worthwhile in life, we must persistently work at something and dedicate ourselves to making it work.

This find may be particularly surprising due to the recent attention I got for criticizing a mediocre "newbie" runner for her own blog which appeared on Canadian Running. There was a great deal of controversy and criticism directed at me for this and that's fine: I stand by my statements and expect to be held accountable for my actions. What I hope to make clear is that my criticism and comments were not made because the of the authors’ ability, talent or fact that she wrote a blog, but due to what (in my opinion) constitutes a lack of accountability to show any degree of commitment to the pursuit of her public and published goals. I highly respect and support runners of any ability who are willing to take the time to set and achieve their goals and who show passion and commitment toward their training. However, those who train willy-nilly and yet expect to be recognized and praised for their admittedly poor efforts frustrate and annoy me to no end. I am tired of the entitled and politically correct attitude of current running society where every runner must be accepted, celebrated and praised for everything they do. Call me old-fashioned, but there was a time (the 70’s and 80’s) when runners actually had to work hard for what they hoped to achieve and those that did were rewarded (while those who didn’t were criticized and cast aside).

I’m not here to start a new war of words. Everyone is welcomed and encouraged to run to the best of their abilities; one of the few activities that almost anyone can do. Regardless of the reasons you run (for pleasure, fun, fitness, health, and/or for social reasons), running is a sport which inherently involves competition (whether you like it or not). Running in its purest and most basic form involves covering a distance as quickly as possible. When done for this (intended) reason, it’s also called a race. And if you sign up for a race, you consign yourself to participate in a competition and thus be judged and evaluated based on your performance. If you want to run a marathon, that’s great. But a marathon is a race and always will be! You can race against your current self, your prior self or others; but you will race.

Getting back to the idea of commitment: a necessary component of successful running. We may not all share the same degree of commitment to our running. We all have other important priorities, obligations and responsibilities that mean running will only ever be a part of our lives. We can only dedicate so much time and attention to our running at any given point in our lives. But when one sets a goal and commits oneself to the achievement of said goal, one then becomes accountable to that goal. If you don’t set goals, you can’t become committed and thus are not accountable. Many people like this idea and thus simply refuse to set goals in the first place. These people are cowards!

The state of running today is a microcosm of society at large. People refrain from setting goals and being accountable; they commit to nothing or only as little as they can afford and then they expect validation and celebration for their modest and mediocre efforts. This is what I oppose and this is what I will continue to speak out against.

To conclude: today is a shitty day. It’s cold and wet and will rain all day long. My training program says I am supposed to run 16k today with the middle 7k at 4:20/k pace. Yesterday I ran 27k and tomorrow I will run 15. By week’s end I should have done 120! I really don’t want to do this. I’m tired, my ankle is sore, the weather sucks and I have other/better things to do. But I’m going to do them anyway... because I set a goal (a modest and relatively mediocre 2:45 marathon), I have friends to whom I am accountable (as well as myself!) and this goal/outcome is important to me.