#135 Killing the Blues

"Leaves were falling, just like embers. In colors red and gold, they set us on fire. Burning just like a moonbeam in our eyes."

I'm not exactly sure what it is about December... The limited daylight and cold, dreary days? The upcoming holidays with busy schedules and consumerism? The arbitrary but ever-present pressures of a new year with all its hopes, dreams and aspirations? Whatever it is, I always find that December, for me, brings on a kind of year-end depression and heightened anxiety about what's to come.

Many – even those very close to me – will be surprised to hear that I have struggled – and still do – with mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsiveness and disordered eating. And while I have dealt successfully with most of these and am often able to control any relapses, I do still occasionally succumb to life's many and mounting stresses and fall back into deep and dark spaces.

"Now I am guilty of something, I hope you never do. Because there is nothing, Sadder than losing yourself in love."

Running to me has always been as much about maintaining positive mental health as it has about chasing fast times and PBs. Running was, has and is one of few 'aspects' of my life where I feel I have complete and constant control. No matter what life throws at me, a run will seemingly makes things better (if only for the time I am away). Running is the rock that provides a foundation and allows me to safely and confidently be me. It provides me with a valued and important identity, belonging to a group and working and contributing to both individual and shared goals and outcomes. It provides me with purpose. 

"Now you asked me, just to leave you, To go out on my own. And get what I need to. You want me to find what I've already had."

Now, as I continue to struggle with an ongoing injury/issue and am prevented from training and performing at my best, I am in what seems a highly uncertain and unsafe place. I am lacking motivation that has always been there and failing to enjoy an activity I usually love. And while I continue to run for my own sanity, I know I may be preventing myself from healing and getting back to the place where I can train and improve again.

If there is one, the point I am hoping to make is that running and training, to me, is not as simple as "run or don't run". It's not always easy to stop, especially when you don't have too. 

Just as good habits are sometimes hard to make, bad ones are hard to break... so what happens when what you're doing is a bit of both? We are told to "listen to the body" and "know your limits"... but what of what our heart and our head says? What do we do when the two are at odds?

"Somebody said they saw me, swinging the world by the tail. Bouncing over a white cloud, killing the blues."

#134 Big Parade

Hey everybody. Long time huh!

2014 is now coming to a close but so too must my half-of-the-year hibernation. So here I am: I'm alive, I'm well (almost/kinda) and most importantly, I'm running and writing again!

Looking back on the past few months, it's been tough. After struggling with escalating pain for more than a month, I called it quits at the end of July and took two months completely off running. Then, after way too much time on a stationary bike, I was ready and rearing to return to the roads. I came back in early October, slowly and sensibly, and have been running ever since. Unfortunately I am still not 100 per cent and periodically plagued by an ongoing hip/groin issue — a literal pain in the ass — that has hampered my comeback and limited (almost entirely) any quality/speed training.

My motivation also took a massive blow and "the drive, the spark, the desire" to keep training simply ceased to exist. I even began to wonder — and still sometimes do — whether I'll ever get back to the fit, fast and fun-loving runner that I was...

Luckily and at no better a time, I have found new inspiration and all the motivation a marathoner needs to get back at it and give everything I've got.

And what I have is a goal! 

#TORW2015 Tamarack Ottawa Race Weekend: The largest, loudest and one of the greatest running events in the entire country. Not only is the Scotiabank Ottawa Marathon a fantastic and FAST course through the heart of our nation's beautiful capital, but it is also one of the best organized, supported and executed events around, meaning I'll have nothing to worry about other than training my legs to run fast for 42.2K. The Ottawa 10K is also the only IAAF gold-label event in the country, as well as the Canadian 10K Championship, which means it will attract a fast field of top athletes. Needless to say, #TORW2015 is set to be a stellar event.

Better still, I have been given the honour and privilege of being a part of 'Team Awesome', a group of highly motivated and social media savvy — at least we think we are — individuals who will share all things running, training and racing as we plan and prepare for the big day. Our aim is to inform and to inspire. To share our own 'wisdom' and experiences as well as connect with others who are also working and training for their own #TORW2015 goals and outcomes.

#TORW2015 takes place on May 23-24, 2015 which means we have plenty of time — and hopefully tolerable/runnable winter weather — to train and prepare. 

Right now, I'm committed to getting 100 per cent healthy again which means strengthening my core and hips and ridding myself of this annoying issue. Luckily I can continue to do what I love and build a base of mostly easy, manageable mileage until I'm ready and able to increase the volume and intensity. As always, I also have my incredible club/crew, Black Lungs Toronto, to push and pull me through the training and perhaps/occasionally have some fun while doing so.

Thanks as always for following along and taking an interest in my journey. I am so excited to share my knowledge, my experience and my passion for something so simple — Left foot, right foot, repeat — yet so incredibly challenging and rewarding.

#133 On expectation, anticipation and regret

One year ago, I was the fittest and fastest I have ever been. Race day couldn't come soon enough and the flat and fast Chicago Marathon course made promises of a new and impressive personal best.

My training had gone precisely to plan. In the 12 weeks leading up to race day, I had run over 1,800K averaging over 150K a week including several big mileage weeks of 175+K. Four weeks out, I won the Milton Half-marathon in 1:13 flat which further suggested I was ready for a big result. Expectations were clearly established.

With two weeks to go, the taper presented some much needed time to rest and recover. It also presented time to reflect and assess, dream and aspire. How fast could I possibly go? Anticipation rose.

As race day approached, the excitement continued to grow. Race day finally came and greeted us with near ideal conditions. October 13th, 2013 was going to be a good day...

With nothing to lose and everything to gain, I lined up, the gun went off, and it began. I ran and raced through the streets of Chicago greeted and cheered by thousands of supporters. Early I felt good, later I felt great but then, as always, I just wanted it to be over... 

And then it was! 38,800 participants completed the marathon that day. I was but one of them.

I crossed the line in 2:34:13. A personal best of some two and a half minutes. First came relief, satisfaction followed, celebrations, albeit brief, then reflection. Finally, regret and remorse.

One year later, returning from injury, barely running and with no thought of racing, I am so far removed from that day. Here, now, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever run that fast again.

Looking back to the days, weeks and months that led to that moment, I wish I would have enjoyed the process more and emphasized the outcome less.

The day before the race is the greatest day of all. There is excitement and expectation. Nervousness and fear. There are goals, dreams and aspirations. There is no regret, no remorse, no reflection. Only anticipation of what might be.